Welcome To Brian Thompson's Joke Pages
Post them to me by clicking on the e-mail icon
From: Brian Thompson (again, Thanks Brian) Date:17 march 2002Joke
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."
From: Brian Thompson (again, Thanks Brian) Date:17 march 2002Joke
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbour began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbour, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
From: Brian Thompson (again, Thanks Brian) Date:17 march 2002Joke
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game. "Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"
The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"
From: Brian Thompson (again, Thanks Brian) Date:17 march 2002Dinner Talk
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Yes, I like being married.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
From: Brian Thompson (again, Thanks Brian) Date:10 Feb 2002Joke For your Website.
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbour began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbour, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
================
Guess what these instructions are for...
Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
.
.
.
.
.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom :)
From: Brian Thompson (again, Thanks Brian) Date:10 Feb 2002Joke For your Website.
A Catholic priest went to a local golf course, and was playing his usual awful game, when a young man came up to him and asked him if he would like some instruction. The priest thanked him and said that he would love some instruction. They played the rest of the holes, and the priest did improve and thanked the young man. The young man said that was the pro golfer there, and that it would cost the priest $200 for the instruction. The priest was upset but paid him anyway. Then he said to the pro, bring your mother and father around to the church tomorrow and I'll marry them for free.
Or, Charlie dropped dead on the first hole. After that, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, etc.
Paddy is asking questions about golf, him being a novice and all that. He asked what a green was, and he was told it was a soft smooth spot with a hole in the middle of it. He asked how many holes do you play, and he was told 18 per day. He said, "Hell, I am lucky if I do one hole in 18 days!"
Paddy was told to stop drinking at the pub, stay away from cigarettes, and take up a sport. Now he only drinks while on the golf cart, has a 3-foot long cigarette holder, takes all his shots from the cart.
From: Brian Thompson (again, Thanks Brian) Date:20 Jan 2002Joke For your Website.
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.
"Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through,"
said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"
The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat."
He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"
From: Brian Thompson (again, Thanks Brian) Date:11 Sept 2002Joke For your Website.
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do ... play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.
Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in basketball, "nothing but net"). A picture perfect hole-in-one.
He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "I did. Think about it -- who can he tell?"
From: Brian Thompson
18- You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
17- If you are having trouble with golf, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16- The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
15- If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
14- Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
13- It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
12-When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty
about imagining the two of you golfing together.
11-If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
10-Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you golf by yourself.
9- When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8- You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy golf stuff.
7- You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
6- There's no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
5- If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
4- Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
3- Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
2- You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
1- Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"
From: Travis Date:9th/May I'll Start It Off Then.
"I really want to give this my best shot" said Jack to his mate.
"My mother in law is watching from the balcony."
"Oh get away!" replied his friend. "It's too far away, you couldn't possibly hit her from here."
I've Lost My Ball Marker!!